Whine the wine benefits?

By Silvia Casabianca

A few months ago, the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism warned that “excessive alcohol consumption may not only influence COVID-19 susceptibility and severity, but the broad effects of the pandemic are also likely to lead to excessive alcohol consumption.”

Proving moderate alcohol use causes better heart health would be tricky, Kloner said. Ideally, it would require a large prospective study that not only randomly assigns people to a no-drinking group versus a moderate-drinking group, but that also compares different types of alcohol – red wine, white wine, beer, spirits – to determine if one really is better (American Heart Association). Photo Shutterstock.

However, there is a culture of drinking in the United States. It has become glamorous to drink at least one or two cups of wine a day. There is almost no movie or TV series where protagonists do not appear enjoying the typical drink.

By the time, some 15 years ago, Nature magazine published studies about the health benefits of drinking two glasses of wine a day, researchers thought they had solved the mystery of the “French paradox.” Why was it that the famous gourmet French cuisine didn’t clog the arteries of French people, despite the fact that its foods were so rich in saturated fats?

The answer seemed to be in the moderate consumption of wine that accompanied the meals. The two-daily-glasses-of-wine benefit came as a very nice fact that apparently clarified the mystery without having to discern other variables that promote health, including the French’s increased eating of fruits and vegetables, and their enjoy-lunch versus fast-food attitude towards food and life.

One thing that concerned me after the report was released was witnessing alcoholics, the kind who can’t exist without their two drinks a day, the kind who would never acknowledge an alcohol dependency, because they seldom get drunk, justifying the rightfulness of their drinking habits on these reports’ and claiming that some daily alcohol would be beneficial.

Referring to studies such as the one published in Nature, the American Heart Association stated that, “No direct comparison trials have been done to determine the specific effect of wine or other alcohol on the risk of developing heart disease or stroke.” Which, in other words refers to the fact that some research goes to press without previous verification.

Interestingly enough, the mentioned research results provided a convenient outlet to the overwhelmed wine industry that was not making enough profit at home or abroad. Let’s remember that France has been one of the most important sources of good wines since the 1300s and the industry’s ups and down affect its economic heart, as wine and spirits are the country’s second-largest export industry.

When you take a closer look, it is easy to find that in many cases, companies or institutions interested in having science backing up their products have no problem subsidizing research that will show health benefits of their food or beverages. In science, a well-formulated hypothesis is rather simple to prove.

Trustworthiness of research may conceivably depend on not only the collection, analysis, and interpretation of data. You might already be familiar with what biases are. Nobody is free of biases. If wanting to prove that a new food or drink or supplement is a panacea, all that is needed is to craft a good hypothesis, formulate a tinted research protocol, hire easy to influence investigators and researcher can arrive at the most favorable conclusions. I agree with those considering research should not be funded by interested parties. Research universities have struggled with the ethical dilemmas posed by receiving funds from private donors and the resulting conflict of interest. They depend on external support to pursue their endeavors, but they know the existence (or even the appearance) of such conflicts can lead to suspicion about their research results.

Conflict of interest also haunts health care professionals, especially those providing nutritional advice. It’s common among food and pharmaceutical industries to provide free samples, furnish meals during professional meetings, pay for travel to medical congresses, pay investigators for enrolling patients in clinical trials, and more.

In a world where everything has become a commodity, professionals and institutions have fallen under increasing public scrutiny.

Information about health matters never seems enough, even though it’s bountiful, and what makes it feel insufficient is not only health sciences advancing at light speed, but also that research results can be contradictory because there is always the influence of the observer’s eye.

What the American Heart Association recommends:

If you drink alcohol, do so in moderation, meaning an average of one to two drinks per day for men and no more than one drink per day for women (One drink is one 12 oz. beer, 4 oz. of wine, 1.5 oz. of 80-proof spirits, or 1 oz. of 100-proof spirits.) The American Heart Association warns that drinking more alcohol increases risks of alcoholism, high blood pressure, obesity, stroke, breast cancer, suicide, and accidents. Also, it’s not possible to predict for whom alcoholism will become a problem. Given these and other risks, the American Heart Association cautions people NOT to start drinking … if they do not already drink alcohol. Instead, consult your doctor on the benefits and risks of consuming alcohol in moderation.

¿Qué es el éxito?

Por Silvia Casabianca

Mahatma Gandhi statue

No te será difícil coincidir conmigo en que Mahatma Gandhi, Brad Pitt y el Presidente Barak Obama han conseguido el éxito. ¡Pero qué caminos tan diferentes han recorrido estos personajes! Los tres han sido exitosos en congregar multitudes pero aún así la definición de éxito se ajusta a cada uno de manera bien diferente. 

Gandhi buscaba liberar un pueblo de la opresión mediante métodos no violentos. Brad Pitt ha buscado, además de notoriedad y público, excelencia en su desempeño como actor. Obama buscó con persistencia entusiasmar al electorado y obtuvo el liderazgo de una de la naciones más importantes del mundo.

Cabe preguntarse entonces si además de las definiciones de la palabra éxito que ofrece la Real Academia Española puede en realidad existir consenso sobre el significado de esta palabra. 

Miremos definiciones de la Academia. Una: “resultado feliz de un negocio”. Pues sí,  en el caso del presidente norteamericano uno podría decir que el negocio ha terminado con éxito. Dos: “¿Buena aceptación que tiene alguien o algo?” No cabe duda que las películas del famoso actor han llenado los teatros y que cientos de miles de personas siguieron y continúan profesando la filosofía de Gandhi. Por lo tanto, estos personajes han tenido éxito.

¿Son fama y dinero sinónimos de éxito?

En la sociedad moderna, lo común es que éxito sea equivalente a alcanzar fama y dinero. Sin embargo, ¿se puede en realidad hablar de éxito si una persona obtiene todo lo material y aún así no se siente ni satisfecha ni feliz?

El ser humano es complejo y su existencia tiene múltiples dimensiones: física, mental, emocional y espiritual. Una vez las necesidades materiales básicas del ser humano están resueltas, éste se mueve hacia otro tipo de alcances. 

Autores importantes como el médico de renombre mundial Deepak Chopra dice en su libro “Las leyes espirituales del éxito” que “El éxito en la vida podría definirse como el crecimiento continuo de la felicidad y la realización progresiva de unas metas dignas.” Para Chopra, “el éxito es la capacidad de convertir en realidad los deseos fácilmente.”  

Y, a propósito, Chopra es también un éxito como autor y presentador de ideas que han ido calando en las mentes de millones de personas. 

¿Quiénes obtienen el éxito?

Empieza con metas claras y realistas

¿Es el éxito entonces algo reservado a personajes como los mencionados? Podemos tú y yo tener éxito en nuestra cotidianidad? ¿Cómo identificamos el éxito si no siempre podemos medirlo por los alcances materiales? Para poder responder a estas preguntas tendremos que empezar por entender cuál es el significado que le damos a esta palabra. Puede resultar útil hacer un poco de historia y mirar de qué logros nos sentimos orgullosos o satisfechos. 

Un breve examen de consciencia te bastará para llegar a la conclusión de que has obtenido éxito muchas veces en tu vida, ¡unas veces con más bombo y otras con menos platillos! Y mirando un poco más en detalle verás que los pasos que seguiste para obtenerlo muy probablemente están en la siguiente lista.

Pasos para conseguir el éxito

• Empiezas con metas claras y realistas.

Dicen que “soñar no cuesta nada”.  ¡Bienvenidos pues los sueños! Sin embargo quien no sueña con los pies anclados en la realidad se decepcionará pronto y abandonará el empeño por conseguir una meta. 

• Planeas los pasos a seguir

Como cuando se emprende un viaje, hay que tener claros tanto los destinos finales como los intermedios. Esto nos permite planear y reconocer qué recursos son necesarios para la jornada.

• Te preparas bien para conseguir tus metas.

No te irías de viaje sin el equipaje necesario. Así mismo es necesario reunir los recursos que garanticen el éxito de una tarea, empresa o negociación.

• Tomas como modelo a otras personas que ya alcanzaron lo que tú te propones.

Es la actitud del aprendiz la que nos permite ser flexibles, reconocer obstáculos y cambiar de rumbo si es necesario. Aprendemos tanto de los famosos a quienes admiramos, como de las virtudes y errores de nuestros vecinos. No es necesario volver a despejar caminos que ya otros nos abrieron.

• Sabes que encontrarás dificultades y obstáculos y te dispones a enfrentarlos.

No hay camino que no ofrezca retos. Es parte de la diversión. Y si no te diviertes mientras tratas de alcanzar tus metas, ¡no valen la pena!

• Estás dispuesto a recibir feedback de otros, sabiendo que a veces hay que ajustar el curso propuesto.

Quien busca el éxito va en pos de la excelencia, no la perfección, que no existe. Es necesario cultivar suficiente humildad para poder reconocer errores, estar atentos a la crítica de otros y mirarnos autocríticamente. Esto facilita el aprendizaje.

• Buscas la manera de ahorrar esfuerzos para lograr eficiencia y eficacia.

Si en la mitad del camino te encuentras agotado empezarás a preguntarte si la meta en realidad vale la pena. Tendrás que aprender a ser recursivo para ahorrar esfuerzos, apoyarte en otros y hacerte la vida más fácil. 

¿Cómo sabrás si has alcanzado el éxito?

Me inclino a pensar que le respuesta es por completo subjetiva. Evalúas las metas, miras en qué porcentaje las has alcanzado, observas los resultados y llegas a tus propias conclusiones sobre lo que has obtenido. Es posible, y con frecuencia ocurre, que los resultados sean muy diferentes a lo esperado pero aún así te encuentres con una sensación de satisfacción por lo aprendido durante el trayecto. Eso también puede considerarse un éxito.

Pero también, mira adentro. Ahora que ya conseguiste lo que querías, ¿eres más feliz, te encuentras más satisfecho, te quiere más la gente? Una respuesta afirmativa te habla de éxito: ¡has crecido! 

Para mí, el éxito tiene que ver con lograr desarrollar proyectos que me apasionen; me considero exitosa cuando gran parte de mi vida transcurre haciendo lo que me apasiona. 

Crianza en el amor para una nueva era

Además de la familia, la escuela es por supuesto uno de los sitios cruciales donde diversos factores sociales influyen sobre la maduración emocional del niño. Es también decisiva en el desarrollo de procesos cognitivos (atención, memoria, percepción y observación). Pero el impacto sobre el desarrollo emocional y social del niño es decisivo, tiene más peso en el futuro del niño, e incluso del planeta, que el aprendizaje de las matemáticas o la biología. Por eso considero esencial que las escuelas puedan crear entornos libres de ansiedad mientras también contribuyen a nutrir y satisfacer las necesidades emocionales del niño, fomentando su curiosidad, permitiendo la exploración del mundo y estimulando el dominio de sus habilidades y talentos.

El líder espiritual Osho dijo que las escuelas deberían enfocarse en enseñar el arte de vivir, el arte de morir y la meditación (además de algo de inglés, ciencias y matemáticas). También dijo:

“Una verdadera educación no te enseñará cómo competir. Te enseñará a cooperar. No te enseñará a luchar y llegar primero. Te enseñará a ser creativo, a amar, a ser feliz, sin comparar al niño con los otros. No te enseñará que puedes ser feliz solo cuando eres el primero”.

¿Estimulan las escuelas la empatía o enseñan a los niños a amar a los demás y a respetar el planeta? ¿A ser compasivo?

Los beneficios de aprender a amar se extienden más allá de uno mismo, y comienzan con el autoconocimiento y la autocompasión.

En el Arte de amar, el psicoanalista Erik Fromm habla sobre cómo, en el proceso de aprender a amar, como con cualquier otro arte, existen ciertos requisitos (disciplina, concentración, paciencia y dedicación) sin los cuales no se puede dominar el arte. ¿Qué entornos facilitan esa práctica?

¿Podríamos proporcionar a los niños un espacio seguro en la escuela donde ellos puedan examinar sus problemas relacionales y aprender a expresar sus sentimientos abiertamente? “Espacio seguro” es un término terapéutico que se refiere a un lugar y un momento en el que una persona puede sentirse cómoda y a salvo. Donde una persona puede expresarse libremente sin temor a ser juzgada, y obtener información, con la certeza de saberse escuchada y aceptada. Además, donde lo que se dice es confidencial.

Una vez creado un espacio seguro, es más fácil expresar y regular emociones. En sesiones de grupo, los estudiantes pueden poner sobre la mesa sus quejas o discutir los conflictos que existen entre ellos o entre ellos y sus maestros, y un buen facilitador les mostrará formas no confrontaciones de resolver conflictos.

La compasión se puede enseñar, y el amor se puede aprender. Y podemos ofrecer modelos de relaciones solidarias y enseñar principios de cooperación.

Es natural que los niños respondan con amor

Es importante invitar a los niños a observar las diferentes maneras en que otros experimentan el mundo para que su pensamiento deje de ser binario y sea más holístico. Ayudándoles a reflexionar sobre el impacto que sus acciones tienen en los demás, en el planeta y en sus cuerpos, les ayudamos a desarrollar consciencia de si mismos y de su conexión con el entorno.

Cuando un niño está pasando por un tiempo de confusión emocional, una de las reacciones más comunes de sus compañeros es alejarse (huir) porque no saben cómo manejar el estrés que provoca la situación. Estimular la empatía en los niños es uno de los objetivos clave de la disciplina inductiva (también llamada disciplina positiva). En este tipo de disciplina, las transgresiones sociales no son abordadas con castigo. Se le deja al niño experimentar las consecuencias naturales.

La mayoría de los educadores modernos son conscientes de que cuando se aplica un sistema de castigo y recompensa, si acaso se logra inhibir un comportamiento por medio del miedo pero cuando se castigan  las transgresiones sociales, se generan reacciones que van desde el resentimiento a el  aumento de comportamientos desafiantes.

En cambio, se puede inducir a un niño a sentir pena por la incomodidad que pudo haber causado en otro y ayudarlo a reflexionar sobre el efecto de sus acciones. Luego se puede sugerir una acción reparadora (abrazar, pedir perdón, invitar al otro a jugar) para que la vergüenza y la culpa se atenúen. El niño recordará estos comportamientos que eventualmente contribuirían a reforzar los circuitos neuronales en el cerebro que, la neurobiología nos cuenta, están alambrados para la empatía. La empatía contribuirá sin duda entonces a limitar la agresión y estimulará el comportamiento prosocial.

Parenting for a new era

Photo by Anastasiya Gepp on Pexels.com

Besides the family, the school is one of the most crucial social factors influencing the emotional maturation of the child; therefore, it’s also decisive in the development of cognitive processes (attention, memory, perception, and observation). But schools can also have a significant impact on the emotional and social development of the child. Therefore, they must aim at creating anxiety-free environments while contributing to nurturing and gratifying the emotional needs of the child, promoting curiosity, allowing exploration, and stimulating mastery of certain skills and talents.

The spiritual leader Osho said that schools should focus on teaching the art of living, the art of dying, and meditation (in addition to some English, science, and mathematics). He also said:

“A real education will not teach you how to compete; it will teach you to cooperate. It       will not teach you to fight and come first. It will teach you to be creative, to be loving, to be blissful, without any comparison with the other. It will not teach you that you can be happy only when you are the first.”

Do schools stimulate empathy or  teach children how to love others and respect the planet? To be self-compassionate?

The benefits of learning to love extend beyond oneself, and they begin with self-knowledge, and self-compassion.

In the Art of Loving, Fromm speaks about how, in the process of learning love, as with of any other art, certain requirements exist—discipline, concentration, patience, and dedication—without which the art can’t be mastered.

Could we provide children with a safe space where to examine their relational issues and learn to express their feelings openly? “Safe space” is a therapeutic term referring to a place and moment in which a person could feel comfortable and safe. Where they could express themselves freely and gain insight, knowing that they will be listened to and accepted, and that what is said is confidential.

Once a safe space is created, it becomes easier to express and regulate emotions. In group sessions the students can to put on the table grievances or conflicts existing between them or between them and their teachers, and this gives them the opportunity to learn mature ways of solving conflict.

Compassion can be taught, and love can be learned. And we can offer models of solidary relationships and teach principles of cooperation.

It is natural for children to respond lovingly. However, it’s important to invite them to look at the different ways in which others experience the world, helping them to reflect on the impact their actions have on others, on the planet, and on their bodies.

When a child is going through some emotional turmoil, one of the most common reactions from peers is to turn away (flee) because they don’t know how to handle the stress the situation elicits. Stimulating empathy in children is one of the key objectives of inductive discipline. In this type of discipline, social transgressions are not approached with punishment. Most modern educators are aware that punishment for social transgressions engenders reactions ranging from resentment to defiant behaviors. Instead, a child could be induced to feel sorry for the discomfort he might have caused and helped to reflect on the effect his actions had on another. Then a reparative action can be suggested—hugging, asking for forgiveness, inviting the other to play—so that shame and guilt are attenuated. These behaviors would be remembered and would eventually contribute to a reinforcement of the neural circuits for empathy. The newfound empathy will then contribute to the limiting of aggression and an increase in prosocial behavior.

Mindfulness to relieve stress

When clients ask about the best ways to achieve relaxation and counteract stress, I have different suggestions to make: for example, they can listen to relaxation CDs. But mindfulness should be the goal.

Meditation of receiving Reiki sessions on a regular basis are of course in the menu of choices I’d offer clients and I may also teach them how to use “progressive relaxation” techniques where they progressively bring the body to a state of generalized muscle tightness to then let go.

Photo by Jonathan Andrew on Pexels.com

In the haste of these days even the best of intentions are in the way of introducing changes in our lives, and we often aim at a quick fix.

Then, the only mantra you’d get to recite is “I have no time,” since you jump from deadline to deadline and between setting new applications on your smart phone, answering voice messages and emails, checking your social media, or downloading movies on the computer… not much time left for self.

I understand it’s unrealistic to ask busy people to take even ten minutes to practice mindfulness, add meditation or progressive relaxation practices, adding to an already crowded agenda. It will only sum up to the overwhelming pile of to-do things.

But… don’t add it, just incorporate it

A rather easy way to manage stress is the way of the observer. The main ingredient in the recipe is awareness: living fully in the present; becoming conscious of our body, our thoughts and our emotions in every minute of our lives. It requires practice to get out of the “automatic pilot” kind of mode, but once you get it, it becomes as easy as turning on a light switch.

Give it a try right now, start with this: instead of moving your eyes toward the end of this page, trying to guess what comes next, read word by word, appreciating the p a u s e s  b e t w e e n   l e t t e r s, the         p a u s e s                between             words, the commas and the colons and the periods. Look at the form of the letters, the ink color and the background in which these words are printed. Now, become aware of your body, relax your shoulders, observe your breathing (don’t change it). No need to change anything, just witness the inflow and the outflow of the air you’re breathing. Monitor your doing. Be conscious of the surroundings: how loud is your environment; how does the temperature of the air feel on your skin; how comfortable is your body in the position you’re sitting now. Move a little, shift posture; make sure that you’re really comfy.

Now change your standpoint a bit and carefully observe your surroundings. You may immediately notice a shift, your thoughts slowing down… This new perspective would give full body to your experience.

Repeat this exercise every time that you feel engaged in a frantic, anxious pace, or for no reason other than to enjoy relaxation. Maybe set your alarm to remind you to take three minutes every hour for this mindfulness exercise. You’ll notice changes in the quality of your health. You’ll experience a relief in levels of anxiety.

Physiological advantage

You’ll notice that as you pace down your heartbeat and your blood pressure may decrease. The best part of this practice is that on the long run you’ll save time, because awareness lessens the number of mistakes you make and improves your creativity.

When mindfulness helps you slow down, brainwaves change frequency. There are four categories of brainwaves, ranging from the most activity to the least activity. When the brain is aroused, it generates beta waves (low amplitude, fast waves, ranging from 15 to 40 cycles per second).

Then, there are alpha brainwaves (slower, and higher in amplitude ranging from 9 to 14 cycles per second) typical of a person taking a break during intense activity.

Ideas flow easily in a theta brainwave state (greater amplitude and slower frequency, normally between 5 and 8 cycles a second) typical of a person who’s daydreaming or in a state of mental relaxation. And finally, there are the delta brainwaves (of the greatest amplitude and slowest frequency, between 1.5 and 4 cycles per second). These are the predominant brainwaves found in deep meditation and dreamless sleep.

To put it in another way, when you become mindful, your right side of the brain is allowed an opportunity to play its part. Left brain is intellectual, logic, impatient, fast (predominantly beta waves). Right brain is intuitive, symbolic, and creative. Using both hemispheres grants you balance and using your full potential. Working with both hemispheres is like having two instead of one employees working fulltime and on total accord for you.

 

Beyond the noise and the haste

Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.” (from the poem Desiderata

I am a walker in more than one sense… Walking is my favorite form of exercise (after tennis, which at my age gives me more aches and pains than I want). But also in a metaphoric way, I am a walker. A wanderer if you wish, a person who cares more for the journey than for the destination. An explorer, who enjoys contemplating life, and while I walk, I renew my sense of awe, daily.

I try not to let routine devour me. I hurry like most people, and sometimes, I worry, but then I take the time to rest and read my body. Is it tense, is it tired, does it need to eat?

I don’t want to be trapped by the noise and the haste of modern life. And I’m sure you feel the same.

My prescription is Reiki and of course, a healthy lifestyle.

Reiki is for me an incredible resource. When I’m too tired, I give myself Reiki. When I ache, when something is saddening me, when I just want to experience deep peace, I lay down in my recliner or my bed and use my hands to give me a treatment. I learned Reiki about 26 years ago and it transformed my life. I took my first class out of curiosity and because I had experienced an energy healing in 1993 that had shaken my beliefs (my “certainties”). As a medical doctor I had grown skeptical of everything that was not “evidence based” and still, what more evidence did I want than the feeling that my body was in better shape than ever after a Taoist master gave me an energy-healing session. I quit smoking, I changed my diet, I started to exercise all of a sudden after that hands-on treatment. In the following weeks, my energy was boosted, my health was better than ever. Reiki was just the next step in wanting to understand a new dimension that had opened to me through that healing.

Reiki has given me more than any supplement or vitamin. It keeps me healthy and joyful and connected with everything that exists. It’s through Reiki that I have become more compassionate and peaceful. Reiki is painless, has no side effects, and takes only a few minutes for you to experience its beneficial effects.

Because Reiki has been such a blessing for me, I offer Reiki sessions and Reiki classes besides counseling – Reiki is ideal for self-care.

 

BOOK BEAT 67 – Silvia Casabianca

Thanks for reposting this Phil.

Phil Jason Reviews Books

BOOK BEAT   Naples Sun Times   May 8, 2008

by Philip K. Jason

Have you ever felt guilty after swallowing yet another pill to mask symptoms of a disease or injury? Have you wondered if there was a better approach to physical (and spiritual) well-being than going on an antibiotic regimen or ingesting medicines designed to reduce inflammation? Silvia Casabianca causes us to ponder such questions in her new book, “Regaining Body Wisdom: A Multidimensional View,” published by Eyes Wide Open.

Casabianca’s mantra is that most of our remedies for discomfort and disease are at odds with the body’s natural responses to various types of invasion or imbalance. In her view, much of what is labeled conventional medicine overlooks and often hampers the necessary and natural communication between organs and the flow of vital energy that maintains health.

One of the simplest examples is that, when suffering from illness and…

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Enough is enough: no more lies about vitamins and antidepressants

Regain Body Wisdom

I was not surprised when three recent studies published in the Annals of Internal Medicine suggested people are wasting their money on multivitamins and minerals to no avail.

“In conclusion, β-carotene, vitamin E, and possibly high doses of vitamin A supplements are harmful. Other antioxidants, folic acid and B vitamins, and multivitamin and mineral supplements are ineffective for preventing mortality or morbidity due to major chronic diseases (…) supplementing the diet of well-nourished adults with (most) mineral or vitamin supplements has no clear benefit and might even be harmful. These vitamins should not be used for chronic disease prevention. Enough is enough.” (Annals)

Pharmaceutical companies such as Baxter (Oneaday multivitamins) or Pfizer (Centrum) haven’t precisely proven impeccable ethics or that they truly work for the benefit of their clients.

Instead, they have excellent lobbying, public relations and marketing skills. They have pushed vitamins on us for decades, convincing the public…

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On Mothers, patriarchy and false expectations

When, many years ago, I read Funerales de la Mamá Grande by Nobel Prize García Márquez, the figure of the ‘Big Mama’ the “absolute sovereign of the Kingdom of Macondo” didn’t sound like a hyperbole to me. I had already lived in Colombian towns where mothers were idolized and motherhood overrated to extremes.

Idolization of the mother figure, presented as a glorification of the feminine, is rather an inheritance from patriarchal times. Overstretched images of female beauty or saintly motherhood, a strategy used to cover up oppression, has contributed to patriarchy burying women’s voices and dominating social action to the benefit of men and detriment of women.

The more I traveled and met people, the more I witnessed how among Hispanics, moms respond to the supermom myth by overdoing their maternal role. We don’t have to go very far to find the overprotective, the intrusive, the co-dependent or the abusive mothers. And maybe, because we were immersed in such culture, all of us bear at least traces of each of these. Mea culpa! I confess my sins.

Many Latino mothers’ lives revolve around their offspring, and their ‘care’ can become asphyxiating. Which explains why it’s not infrequent to find awfully dependent adult children in our culture.

We also often find mothers overwhelmed with guilt, blaming themselves for their children’s shortcomings, feeling pushed to behave up to impossible expectations about what motherhood ‘should’ be.

If we were to be totally truthful to ourselves, Mother’s Day could each year be the perfect timing to examine unfinished business with moms, assess our current relationship with them and even quit seeking the impossible ideal of a mother that only has existed in our minds.

‘Good-enough’ mothers

To help average moms overcome guilt and shame about not being perfect, English psychoanalyst and pediatrician Donald Winnicott coined the term “good-enough mothers” in 1953.

Those were the days when psychology research started to support earlier Freudian thoughts that interactions between mother and child during the early years were central to the development of the child’s inner world. Mothers, paralyzed with uncertainty about the extent to which their deficits could affect their brood, flooded pediatricians’ offices.

Providentially, psychology also discovered that it’s the frustrations stemming from mother’s impossibility to attend her child’s every need what challenges the child’s forcing him to adapt to reality.

So, in a way, what Winnicott was telling moms was: dare to err. Your children might even learn to appreciate those mistakes as opportunities to mature and grow!

I’ve seen mothers doing sacrifices that children should acknowledge and praise. Many mothers proffer unconditional love; their hearts healing from wounds caused by insensitive accusations or blaming by their offspring, made in a moment of rage.

No doubt. Exemplary women, who forgive faults that only their mother’s heart could forgive, also exist. And, yes, many moms are available when things go oops! for their children.

But there are also dark sides to this story.

‘Good children’ and ‘not good-enough’ mothers

Let’s take the times of the infamous Colombian narco Pablo Escobar, when sicarios justified horrible crimes as means to meet the terms of their ‘duties’ as good sons. They were determined to take their moms out of poverty. Sadly enough, many of these mothers gladly and gratefully or at least silently received dirty money not even asking where it came from, as if ignoring the truth would made the misdeeds right!

Studies showed that most of the above moms were awfully permissive. It’s difficult to believe that Pablo Escobar’s mother herself never thought of his son as a criminal.

History offers many cases of mothers who used their children for profit. Far from being ‘good enough’ mothers, these moms – maybe forced by poverty and lack of methods for birth control -exploited their children. This was common in the early days of industrialization, when parents gave up their 5-year-olds to sweatshops for survival. These children worked 16 hours in a row; tied with chains and whipped to force them work beyond their capacity.

Even to this day, millions of children are exploited or neglected and abused in the world.

Not all moms are created equal

It’s easy to see that motherhood is in no way the same for all moms. While some rave on their experience, others may have trouble bonding with their child.

Many women decide to hand on their child’s care on to another person so they can carry on with their careers. Some openly neglect their children out of lack of knowledge about their parental role, lack of energy, mental illness or deficient love. And there are even moms who consistently say and do terrible things to their children, scarring their lives forever.

But in all truth, we have all been marked in some way by our mother’s mistakes. Moms are human! They will never be up to our idealistic expectations.

The consequences of prizing maternity too highly

I wish that we could from an early age understand that mothers can’t (won’t) be perfect.

Myths about mothers that continue lingering in our society, on one hand promote adoration of mothers and on the other hand allow for all the blaming mothers take for the weaknesses and shortcoming of their offspring.

Another troublesome aspect of valuing maternity too high is that women who decide they won’t have children tend to be seen as unsuccessful by their peers. Pressure comes from their families and friends. The choice of not having children seems unbelievable in a world that thinks a woman finds realization in maternity.

Moving from the perspective of the ego to that of the soul

We’re multidimensional beings and as such, always spiritual beings… However, our consciousness resides or focuses on this or another dimension. So, we say, a truly spiritual person is that person who privileges the perspective of the soul over the perspective of the ego. (No, the ego cannot be eliminated… it has a purpose, it regulates our physical dimension, but sets us in fear when disconnected from the soul).

So here is what I think the differences are between the perspectives of the soul and the perspectives of the ego. In my view, if  the ego is kept on check, the soul will lead us to a life that is a lot more peaceful and fulfilling, with less drama.

TIME FRAME:

Being eternal, the soul has no sense of time and therefore it is in no rush to experience or accomplish anything in particular. Since, it lives in the present, life is for the soul an extraordinary adventure where every experience is welcome. Joy is the natural state of the soul. Love is the soul’s North.
Being vulnerable and finite, the ego rushes through life and has trouble living in the present moment. Being here, it wants to be there. The ego gives us the experience of  fear because it lacks faith in its own capacity to create and survive hurdles.

SENSE OF SELF:

Being boundless and unattached, the soul has no sense of roots or possesions… therefore, for the soul, sharing is not an issue at all. Being alone is not an issue. Change is not an issue. Asserting needs and standing ground are just natural things to do in order to maintain healthy relationships. When an individual lives and sees life from the perspective of the soul, life is good. For the soul (and I think many people has this one wrong) it’s okay to use the pronoun ‘I”… to share experiences, to teach, to support others. The soul uses this I perspective to say, “this is what has worked for me in the past, you may want to try it too” but it is not condescending, so the soul will not to say or imply, “this is the way you should be doing things because I know better.”

For the ego, having stuff is of the essence, as are boundaries. Owning “stuff” provides the ego with a sense of security. I own (a house, a job, a title, a partner), therefore I’m okay. 

Instead, the essence of the soul is freedom. Possessiveness is not uncommon for the ego, which is concerned about ownership of land, water, animals and people… The soul would never consider owning. The ego swings between extreme defensiveness and need for privacy to extreme need for fusion, dependency and symbiosis. From depression to grandiosity. An ego that is disconnected from the soul, experiences fear of losing what it has the illusion of possessing. For the ego, nothing is safe, we’re not enough, we don’t have enough.

SENSE OF RIGHT AND WRONG:

The soul can very well discern right from wrong but makes no judgment, condemns not. Understands that inhabiting the body makes individuals susceptible to making mistakes. Errors are mere stumbling stones, learning opportunities, moments that demand changes. Everyone deserves a second, a third and a fourth chance. Taking responsibility is not an issue for the soul. It’s ready to own its actions and consequences.

SENSE OF COMMON UNITY (or community):

Since the soul understands that we’re connected and parts of a bigger reality, part of a whole, different aspects of the same universe, there is no point in competing. Adding and multiplying are better options than subtracting and dividing. The soul’s way of doing things is by supporting each other, not by eliminating competitors. For the soul, there is no vertical ladder, we’re all in a horizontal plane, each one standing or moving on a different stretch of the path.

SENSE OF PRIDE:

Pride is overrated. Humility is overrated. The soul is proud of the opportunities found, of the goals reached, of the service rendered, of the impact its loving actions might have on the lives of other people. Pride is not a sense of superiority because the soul has no sense of hierarchies. It’s a sense of accomplishment, of fulfillment and it’s good.
Instead, for the ego, pride is grandiosity, an inflated sense of self and therefore, it is destructive. It is out of this kind of pride that bigotry, abuse, hate, despise, envy and greed are born.